I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I don’t know what to do
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Go girl power!
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.