I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
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Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The struggle is real
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.