I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
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[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)