I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
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I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Siri, fight Alexa.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train