I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).