I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.