I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
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me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday