I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.