I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
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friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!