I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.