We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“I got you, babe.”
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]