@OldUncleDaveO

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

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@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@secondhandpenis

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

@IamEveryDayPpl

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

@SamGrittner

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

@Bob_Janke

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

@mondaypunday

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

@Maxine12333

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*