I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Check out the legs on this baby
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
This did not end as expected.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator