I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
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[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
synchronized noseblowing
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao