I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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Get off my horse you stupid moon
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”