I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Cha-ching is my safe word
Meow
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏