I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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Flock of bats
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.