I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit