I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

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I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.


One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.


Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.


When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.


Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.


ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman


MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.