@KrazykurtKurt

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

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@BlairLoudly

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

@myonlymizztake

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

@JustinGuarini

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

@BDGarp

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

@chuuew

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

@rockymomax

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

@FrazzleMyGimp

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.