I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
can you read it!!??
maan!
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Our lord and savoury.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’