I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol