I said we supposed to be saving our money.
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I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Never forget.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked