I said we supposed to be saving our money.
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me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Camping tip: No.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Smallpox sounds so adorable
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
☠️ ☠️
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*