I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Most fashion shows these days…
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
absolute chaos
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.