I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.