I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
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[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.