I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane