@jimmytorosian Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
@007Pepe_Rex I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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@jimmytorosian 
@topaz_kell When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
@bridger_w The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
@Ms_Laser If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
@DrDogMD Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
@Sal_Stevens Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
@trevso_electric Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
@emmatheist Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
@TheCatWhisprer Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
@causticbob When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.