@007Pepe_Rex

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

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@jimmytorosian

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

@topaz_kell

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

@bridger_w

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

@Ms_Laser

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

@DrDogMD

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

@Sal_Stevens

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

@trevso_electric

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

@emmatheist

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

@TheCatWhisprer

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.