Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.