I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
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If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The Compass
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids