I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

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A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.


Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”


Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.


Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.


When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.


I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”


When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised


My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.


[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”


“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.