I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Home #decor warning.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak