@PeychoKanev

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

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@Smethanie

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

@mactx85

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

@lionheaded_

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

@myonlymizztake

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

@UtilityLimb

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

@MartinUrbano

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

@gerryhallcomedy

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

@noog

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

@Reverend_Scott

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.