I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?