I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My favorite farside!!
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.