“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.