I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?