I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
This checks out
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.