@Reverend_Scott

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

You Might Also Like

@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

@SamGirlSunday

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

@trevso_electric

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

@WilliamAder

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

@DartsBofficial

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

@Stellacopter

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@sherifsharkawi

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

@asaltiercorpse

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.