I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”


Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.


When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.


I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.


That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.


Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?


Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.


I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.