I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
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Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
A leaf blower, but for people.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
…u ok Nintendo?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that