I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
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Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself