I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
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You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”