I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

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I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.


Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.


“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”


Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.


If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.


I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.


I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial


Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.


“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”


Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?