I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.