I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
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Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework