I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
School be like
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂