I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You Might Also Like
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.