I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
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[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
But is it really??
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit