I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
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Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
no cat here
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]