I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
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“HOW” – dyslexic owl
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?