I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.