I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
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Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
my friends when i can’t do basic math