I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
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What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Legend 🤣🤣
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Note to self: always read the final line
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.