I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
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A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.