I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
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Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
*offers Batman cough drops*
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.