I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink


If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away


Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.


Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?


[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.


when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.


I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.


Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming