I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
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Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…