I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
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A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.